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Inner Battle

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It's already 10:00 pm. The day went by so fast! And now I feel numb.

I have the habit of making plans every day when I wake up. When I opened my eyes earlier today, I was full of energy and sure that I would choose the best directions, eat healthy foods, exercise, have moments of pleasure and be able to work in a focused way.

But now it is 10:00 pm and I ate too much, I was unproductive, I did nothing cool and yet I am deeply tired.

I start to reflect for a moment and realize that a day like today is repeated many times, and this causes a deep annoyance. It is as if the day had not existed, as if I had not been present all this time.

I would like to put away this restlessness and relax. After all, tomorrow I can finally put things in order.

However, despite wanting to be at peace, I am attacked by a mixture of disappointment and indignation towards myself. How can I not be able to do what I planned so clearly?

Then, I realize there is a battle in me. A battle of countless desires and conflicting thoughts, which keep demanding my attention at all times.

I would like to be working in a focused way, but soon I am distracted by memories of pleasurable experiences that come to my mind and I begin to wonder how much more enjoyable it would be to be reading a book. In the end, I end up neither working well nor reading the book. That is, I do neither because I am split between two distinct interests.

This clash causes a huge loss of energy and always makes me exhausted even without being able to perform the activities that need to be done.

A friend once told me that “wisdom is not to waste energy” and that phrase starts hammering in my head.

Reflecting on the subject, I conclude that there is no loss of energy only when I am devoting all my thoughts and feelings to what I am doing. Therefore, wisdom is a state of consciousness in which our thoughts and feelings accompany our actions. When thinking, feeling and acting are in harmony, the full energy is present!

Although I came to this conclusion, which seemed logical, there was still one big problem to solve: how to balance thought, feeling and action?

Before I come up with an answer, I begin to remember my day and see how little attention was paid to my activities. At no point was I completely present. In fact, I was living automatically, repetitively, doing things out of obligation or habit. Therefore, my conscience divided its attention into the countless thoughts and feelings that manifested in my head every second.

This is not living! It's like being a character in those dreams where we don't decide what we do or what will happen. This is how I see myself now: a spectator of my own life.

All this caused me great astonishment at my own reality.

However, besides noticing all this chaos, I recognize a space of calm - a subtle silence that allows me to see things more clearly. It is like the eye of the hurricane, where there is a core of tranquillity in the midst of the storm. It is precisely in this aspect of my own being that I can question myself. Everything else is movement and noise. In this silence, I can find an inexhaustible source of energy and a fulcrum for clear and vivid attention.

This silence is present all the time and in all things. In contact with it, life flows without conflict, automatisms or limitations. Silence is the manifestation of consciousness itself in its purest form, without conditionings, fears or pretensions. Based on this awareness, all thoughts, feelings, and actions find a nucleus and reorient themselves by it.

For a brief moment, I am at peace – and the inner battle ceases. Problems, anxieties and concerns that seemed to be fundamental and urgent issues take on a secondary role.

It is now 10:01 pm and, seeing this real possibility of rebalancing consciousness and life, my heart feels warm and hopeful.

 

 

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