Lonliness

Loneliness and the miracle

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I have often felt lonely, abandoned, as if I had lost something,

but I didn’t know what that something was.

A consuming sense of homesickness troubled me

and my heart felt as if it were being rubbed over with sandpaper.

 

Despite every attempt I just could not free myself of the pain I felt.

Fear showed itself, fear of an unknown emptiness, of a dark gaping hole of loss.

Desperation took hold of me and dragged me deeper and deeper into the abyss.

 

I was unable to withstand the maelstrom.

Thus came the moment in which my resistance was broken.

I fell down. A storm erupted within me, like an explosion.

 

Nothing seemed to remain whole, everything was torn to shreds.

Fragments of events of my life flew around me.

I stood there defenceless, almost uninvolved.

 

How long it lasted I do not know.

Time seemed to have fallen apart at the seams.

And then a sense of calm manifested itself –

and I realised that everything had found its rightful place.

 

I was able to understand why my life was so confusing.

I realised what I was lacking

and what had been present in my childhood.

My heart shouted with joy.

 

The lost quality was back again: it was the reason for my existence,

the primary reason.

It was like a miracle.

 

An inner spiritual energy had replaced the abyss.

The loneliness and fear had disappeared.

As if they had never existed. It was the beginning of something new.

 

I rediscovered my inner compass, and at the same time courage and trust too.

I can continue on my path,

leading me to the place of my inner yearning.

 

The compass points the way there, to the unfathomable one who I am.

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